Rafiki Yangu
by theladymerlin
Summary: Spike reflects on some of the relationships in his long existence


A/N - The title is in Swahili and in English is My Friend. I'm trying a totally different writing style from my usual stories. I hope I managed to pull it off.

I sit on the sandy ground, making myself as comfortable as possible. The small fire throws off a welcoming heat and I absently watch the strange, dancing patterns of the flickering light. My body still hurts but it is nothing compared to the thoughts screaming and careening at lightning speed through my mind. I guess that's why I begin talking. It's like have to get it out or I'll go crazy. Crazier. I clear my throat and nod a thanks when a bottle is pressed into my hand. "I suppose I should start at the beginning. That's where all stories normally start, isn't it? But then, I've never been known to be conventional. Either before I was sired or after. Always had to be different I did. So why should I change that now? Nope, I think I'll do this my way." A small grin slowly spreads across my face. "Yeah, My Way. Now there's a song. But I digress." I take a swig from the bottle in my hand, not sure if it's because my throat is dry in this arid landscape or I need a bit of courage for what I'm about to say. Shit. Better get it over with.

"Buffy, the slayer. She was the last and the reason I'm here." A tiny snort of amusement bubbles up and out before I can stop it. "Yeah, I know what you're thinking and I couldn't agree more. What kind of a name is Buffy for a slayer?" I shrug and look away into the darkness around us. "Fucked if I know. But there it is and there she was. All shining and golden. I just had to touch, didn't I? Shoulda known I'd get burned. But then, when has that ever stopped me? What a time we had together. We had a passion and a fire and I thought she was the love of my life."

I shake my head at my own remembered foolishness. "What the hell did I know?" I stare back at the piercing brown eyes. Damn it all. "Okay, right, you got me. Yeah, I knew from the start it was doomed to failure. It was never meant to be. We both loved hard though. Too hard, probably. Would've wound up killing each other, us two. Suppose that's only fitting considering. Slayer. Vampire. Told Angelus the two were never meant to mix together. He wouldn't listen. Never did, the stupid tosser.

"I suppose that brings us 'round to my vampire family. Now there is one bizarre group of people if there ever was one." I sigh heavily as I let the memories drift over me. "Ah, Dru, my sweet, dark princess. She was beautiful, no question about that. She needed me, she did. And I did my damnedest to look out for her. I loved her with everything I had and it still wasn't enough. Angelus had her heart way before I ever came on the scene. I suppose I shoulda known better but I was young and foolish. Thought I could get her to love me. Never did work. No matter how hard I tried, she always loved her daddy best.

"Angelus, the vampire with the face of Angel they say. And it's true, too. He could also be one charming bastard when he had a mind to be." I stop to collect my thoughts for a moment. Remembering Angelus and the things he taught me is still overwhelming, even to this day. How can I put into words what he meant to me? And despite our differences, what he still means to me. "He made what I am. Sometimes with words and sometimes with threats or his fists. There were other times though. Times when he used kind words and even kinder touches. Looking back, I suppose that's when it happened. When I finally lost a lot of my human inhibitions and started seeing him as something more. He opened up a whole new world for me. I learned that being with a man could be just as good, if not better, than with a woman." I laugh then. Deep and low. "It was quite the revelation. What would me mum think of me?

"Part of me hopes that wherever she is, she doesn't know what I've become. I don't think I could bear it if she thought badly of me. She was one lovely lady. Sorta made up for my Da, ya know? He wasn't horrible or anything. Not really. Just... indifferent I suppose is the best way of sayin' it. Guess that's why I didn't miss him quite so much when he passed. Can't really miss what ya don't know, right? I miss her though. Each and every day. She was the kindest, most thoughtful person and I adored her with all my heart. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy. I think she was the one person in my whole sorry existence who really and truly wanted nothing more than for me to be happy." I stop to take another swig from the bottle in my hand. "A mother's love, my friend, that's what it is," I say, pointing a finger at the wizened, old man sitting attentively across from me. "It transcends all the others, unconditional and complete. God I miss her."

I'm tired now and barely able to hold myself up. He helps me to lie among the blankets in the nearby hut.

"Sleep now, rafiki yangu," he says, stroking a wrinkled hand gently across my brow. "There lies a long journey ahead and you need your strength. There is love for you. Sleep and be at peace."

~ Mòran taing ~


End file.
